Road Rage
I sometimes think that most of our road users in Zimbabwe bought their driver’s license – it is a free-for-all, survival of the fastest and most daring jungle out there!
Do you recognize anyone?
1. The “Kamikaze Pot-Hole Dodger”
I won’t reduce my speed even though I know the road is pitted with peril – I rather maintain my preferred 80 km/h in the OTHER lane and play chicken with oncoming traffic (the holes always appear more friendly on the other side). This is particularly entertaining if I can involve a few cyclists (uphill for extra points) and a couple of pedestrians who don’t want to get their feet wet in the grass – preferably walking abreast so as not to interrupt their conversation.
2. The “Secondary Smoker” (two types)
a. I am trying to get as close as I possibly can to your exhaust pipe, nothing gives me a rush like forcing you to indicate 2 km before you want to turn, the panicked arm-out-of-the-window calisthenics cracks me up and I can see the whites of your eyes in your rear-view mirror as you frantically check whether I am going to slow in time as you turn. What sport!
b. My un-roadworthy vehicle provides a dense cloud of black smog for you all to enjoy. To prolong your pleasure, I drive 40km/h (let’s be honest, my car doesn’t go any faster – I wonder why they give me a new disc every year, surely a sign of approval) on a single lane road in rush hour traffic. For extra points I count the number of cyclists blinded by the smoke and halted by lung-wrenching coughs.
3. The “Lesser-spotted Bus Driver” (usually a bus driver but not exclusively)
It is not enough that, when driving at night, you have no overhead lights, no road markings to steer by and monster potholes lurking in the gloom. For added entertainment, I come crabbing down the road (twisted suspension being a fairly long-standing accessory for the discerning bus driver), with one light on. I imagine you in your little vehicle wondering “is it a bird? Is it a plane? And which f***ing way is it going??” But just as you begin to despair, I help you out by switching on my brights, strategically timed – thereby blinding you into the ditch adjacent to the road (which has a 25cm drop-off edge by the way – bonus points for losing a tire!)
I could go on: people who think hazard lights give them right of way, the mobile maniacs (“where did I put that phone?”), trucks overtaking trucks, 4×4 users who have no idea how to drive them … But what I really wanted to say, do yourself and all of us a favour – don’t buy your child a driver’s license. It isn’t worth it; it’s a death sentence, for your child or someone elses.