Marriage in the 21st century is not what it used to be
There’s a bridal shop opposite my office. Every morning on my way into work I can’t help but glance across at the display of beautiful white full-skirted gowns and long a little to one day wear one on my own wedding day.
I know many women who have married for love. The grand illusion that happily ever after begins with that white gown has been cemented into the consciousness of every young girl who has ever spent a happy childhood reading fairy tales or watching Walt Disney’s Cinderella, Snow White or the Little Mermaid.
Marriage in the 21st century is not what it used to be. Before feminism made a home in Africa and the advent of industrialisation, marriage could have been interpreted as acquiring labour. Traditionally it is women and children who worked the fields. The purpose of marriage therefore was to ensure the material security of a woman, and through her ability to bear children that of her family. The bonds formed during a marriage ceremony obligated her husband to contribute towards the welfare of his bride’s family. Women were and still are conditioned to view marriage through this lens, that of self-sacrifice to meet your obligations to support the survival or your family through production by yourself and the children you bear.
In an industrialised world children are no longer necessary for labour, in fact they have become a liability, and the ability to bear them in great numbers is no longer as prized. As our economies have evolved, so have our social structures. Marriage moved to being about financial protection as women could not work and earn enough to support a family. So still they were married for security as well as for their families to establish a connection with well to do families.
Now, sisters are doing it for themselves. Increasing numbers of women are delaying marriage and their first child in favour of leading an independent life. As for obligation and sacrifice, those were necessary to keep your husband and financial protector happy, if you make you own money and the world is civilised enough not to try and drag you into a cave every so often, you can do without them.
So where does that leave marriage?
Wednesday, June 22nd 2011 at 4:50 pm
Thanks Upenyu. You write, “Before feminism made a home in Africa and the advent of industrialisation,..” – I am a bit baffled by this as it seems to imply that feminism is a western import. I hope you do not subscribe to the view that just because western feminism is classified into waves that the whole world has been forced to comply with, feminism itself is a western concept that we have just adopted. I would beg to differ because I am sure that feminism has always existed in our various cultures, just by other names. What then would we say of the efforts of the likes of Mbuya Nehanda and other matriarchs the world over?
But onto marriage. Single and 27, yes that’s me. And I completely agree that many women are choosing the single life and independence over being married. But marriage is not just about obligation to society or to a man or to any of those things that we now look dimly at marriage for. Marriage, when right, is about two people making a pledge to be together as long as they both live. It’s the greatest social contract that any two people can enter into; the biggest challenge yes, but when it’s right it’s worth the hard work.
I don’t want to naysay marriage or look at it as an economic formula where marriage = security or social acceptance all the time. The reality is that many marriages are like that. But what’s great about being enlightened and allowed to make decisions at one’s own time is that if, or when, one chooses to get hitched, one knows completely why they are entering the game.
And that leaves marriage where it ought to be.
Thursday, June 23rd 2011 at 11:13 am
well said
Wednesday, June 29th 2011 at 2:59 pm
Well thanks for the saying!Woman only need someone to socialise with rather than to live because of today’s life that has enabled them to seek wealthy for themselves as compared to the last days.