It’s a new year and it’s that period when people say all kinds of silly things and expect to be taken seriously. From ordinary Jacks to extraordinary Dicks, you hear them mouthing crap and you wonder what inspires this specialisation in crapology. Then you think, maybe they are exhibiting unbound elation that they made into the New Year when other people were not so fortunate. But then, is being alive reason to say silly things? So, imagine the response to the question, “Why are you being silly,” “Because I’m alive!” I am not just talking about the so-called resolutions for the fresh year which history has shown have become fashionable empty proclamations of nonexistent faith, but perhaps importantly I am inevitably referencing the political.

I heard the other day a Zanu PF (who else?) mandarin going on and on about how his party would open up the primary election contests where every Jack and Dick would throw in their hat. He obviously did not include himself, for if he did, it would mean he would also be welcoming challengers within the party to vie for the representation of the rural folk where voters have been taken for granted for 30 something years. But knowing these people and their history of violence where they have indeed become career politicians through means nefarious, the sincerity is suspect as rejection in primary polls automatically means “ABCya” to being part of that plutocracy that knows no shame. So why dice with “economic death” as it were if you can afford not to?

A spook or former spook, whatever his “official” title is, was reported to be challenging a scion of Zimbabwe politics, alleging the nephew of the president had done jack for the people. Predictably, the dreadlocked one struck back with the usual foul language, betraying his aversion for popular democracy. It would be interesting then if the guy fingered for “invading” Kuimba Shiri last year was rejected by the people during the primaries. Would he blame the MDC-T for his loss? He would he blame sanctions? I strongly suspect he would blame it on vote buying, himself knowing only too well of course how this works!

Then I also read the other day another day the MDC-N national organising secretary claiming the MDC-T was bent on turning the city of Bulawayo into some kind of Gehenna, citing policy proclamations by the MDC-T leadership in the city. He proffered all kinds of silly case examples, and I wondered why he was vesting the MDC-T with so much powers, the omnipotency of the gods. It was as if the MDC-T says jump and the people merely ask how high? Surely, does the MDC-T wield that much power over the people of Bulawayo that at the behest of Tabitha Khumalo and others, the city risks being turned into a sinner’s paradise? In any case, all Zimbabwean cities are faced with the same bloody issues whose authors are already known. Yet we have a chap who should know better seeing that he himself has no constituency he represents going on with the crappy political rhetoric “made popular” by such compatriots as Gabriel Chaibva, Jonathan Moyo, Chris Mutsvangwa, Godwin Nguni and many others who have made very self-righteous comments about the PM when they themselves have failed to call Mugabe’s bluff about extra-marital affairs and living with HIV within Zanu PF apparatchiks.

And you can bet your butt that as elections approach, we shall be subjected to even more silly crap from educated men and women in politics. But then hey, politics is by its nature elitist, excluding the voices of the ordinary folks, that’s why we have these petite bourgeoisie intellectuals saying all this kind of nonsense and expecting to be taken seriously.

It was interesting – but for the wrong reasons – to watch the just ended Zanu PF conference when we saw party apparatchiks many had dismissed as too frail to threaten a mosquito coming alive to punch fists in the air in the tired “down with..” sloganeering. Men who have been of perpetual poor health appeared for the Bulawayo jaunt with pallid looks that told stories about badly needed convalesce but chose instead to race their hearts keeping company with loud crowds.

Rather disturbingly, you could see a guy like Simon Khaya Moyo with cheeks looking like they were waiting for slight provocation to explode while at the same time you could see chaps sitting at the high table looking rather under-fed, only because of obvious poor health. For curious unsympathetic observers it appeared natural to wonder if these chaps were indeed feeding from the same trough! You could also see the party’s chief doctor of spin looking like he had seen a ghost. He sure could have used the weekend to rest or visit some health spa, and this in a country where we have acquired physician skills where we give strangers full medicals by just looking at them. This indeed has become the favourite pastime of many in this beloved country and this is enjoyed especially when the person under observation is from Zanu PF! Just ask Webster Shamu who whined a few months ago that people always wish him and his colleagues ill health, or something to that effect.

Then there was the VP John Nkomo who did not look his physical best, and a teacher friend based in the rural parts of Matebeleland said folks are asking why the Ndebeles are punishing one of other own by not retiring him seeing he is not the young man he used to be. I myself wondered if at all Zanu PF has a clause in its constitution that denies members the right to retire early on health grounds. Otherwise from watching the conference, it became obvious that we are once again being set up for that dreadful prospect of ruling until one is stopped only by the intervention of God’s ways that serve as a reminder that we are just but human. This in no way is a jibe at anyone’s poor health, but rather a beaming of the spotlight on the bane of African politics where there still lingers that obnoxious spirit of entitlement that, because one lost years in the bush or prison fighting white oppression, they must rule as long as they breathe, never mind that they have become drooling imbeciles or headed the way of the Ngwazi Kamuzu Banda who had no clue how old he was in his last years but would have continued as Malawi president if he could have had his way! Okay, so what happens to the aspirations of the children of these former combatants dreaming about entering active politics? Does it mean they will never ascend to the higher ranks of the nationalist parties as long their fathers live?

Yet the rump-shaking ladies of the women’s league seemed to be having a ball gyrating in front of men who sat with their hands folded, and in the privacy of their minds dared the old leader and ogled. You just had to ask yourself about women and politics and the rhetoric that even came from Emmerson Mnagagwa about gender parity within the party ranks. But then you could see the favoured positions for women, definitely not on top! So it was that, with an aging Mugabe being endorsed as party candidate for the polls he wants next year for obvious reasons seeing Father Time waits for no Man, the country was reminded once again that there is no place for renewal here. The young and reckless ought to know their place: warming up for the bludgeoning of political opponents ahead of the elections Tendai Biti has already said promise to be another blood bath. And young Jabulani Sibanda, knowing only too well where his bread is buttered was there to represent!

It is a trait peculiar to politicians that evidence of abject poverty does not prick consciences in pursuit of their own happiness. The opulence flaunted by monarchs pales into insignificance when one recalls that monarchs are born blue bloods while politicians claim their wealth to election into public office ostensibly by claimed popular vote. Thus one has to think deep and taste the mood of very ordinary folks each time Zanu PF gets down to boogie in their annual shindigs. It is that time when the party that has claimed perpetual bankruptcy – both moral and financial – has its staunch loyalists lining up to make stupendous donations towards the hosting of these conferences. I have heard folks ask the moral philosophy questions such as why it has been found apt to give so generously to the party when constituencies claimed by the donor wallow in abject poverty, where that kind of wealth comes from, yet it also known how since independence, the line between party and the state has been blurred as Zanu PF used state resources as if they were their own.  And while other Zimbabweans curse, it has been baffling that other equally ordinary folks have taken these shindigs with such gusto reminiscent of the 1980 independence euphoria.

Saw some young men and women last weekend milling outside the Zanu PF offices in Bulawayo and a friend quipped: “do these people really believe in what they are doing?” But then it was a question that has been answered before: “as long sisidla” – “as long as we are we eating” – (getting something from Zanu PF). It has become one huge farce that young people thrown into the ranks of loafing by bad governance and “voodoo” economic policies can still proudly hold their heads up and claim their place within the party machinery, when at the same time they are not at it because they believe in anything it stands for but rather like vultures wanting to pounce and reap where they did not sow.

Every amoral young person who wants to be an instant money-bag and own a small mining claim knows they simply have to extol the virtues of Savior (some name huh?) Kasukuwere and they got it made. Forget hard work, forget scruples, coz these are virtues that do not apply here! What then are these young lions being bequeathed as a legacy they will one day have to pass on to other young lions? Should we start worrying then that Zimbabwe will have an unending cycle of bad people coming and going, seeing that any hopes of an MDC-T political dispensation remain but a mirage on the horizon?

An online report on President Robert Mugabe capping graduates from Chinhoi University last week made a passing remark about the Chancellor of Zimbabwe’s universities being not as sprightly as would have been expected, I suppose at least regarding the stamina that would be needed to preside over the graduation of so many students.

The reporter’s observation did however provide a hint about what is terribly wrong in this country about the executive branch, the public’s right to know and issues around the health – physical or otherwise – of people who claim to be in charge of government. Over the years, the president has continued to be “paraded” as a youthful lad still up to the task of the physically and psychologically taxing duties of being president of the Republic, yet we know much, much younger presidents, CEOs elsewhere have had their hearts suddenly stopping because of the hazards that come with that territory.

Surely does Her Grace, His Nibs, Georgy Podgey, Psycophant Numero Uno Mr. Eyebags Shamu and many others want to see the day when, in the middle of a speech, the old man clutches his chest and sends all into panic? Are these people going to claim they didn’t see it coming?

Come on, the man is only human (an 87 year old human) that is perhaps why so many people in this country always ask who exactly is in charge, because in other areas of existence, a chap like this would either have left office of his own volition or his colleagues would have advised him to go play golf, watch his grandchildren grow, and enjoy the remainder of his (questionably) fruitful life. Yet, because that hasn’t happened, it is obvious someone wants this guy to embarrass himself and croak right in front the cameras!

And to imagine there are folks who have been dragged before the courts for denigrating the President, making cruel jokes about his age, with one actually having said it’s only a matter of time before He meets His maker so that MT can rule. Ouch. People naturally say these statements because they fail to understand that insistence to continue against all evidence to slow down, and when they voice what are in essence their democratic opinions they suddenly become criminals!  Imagine punishing a guy for telling you stop behaving like a stud and quit patronising the sin bin: who the fuck do you think you are asking me to forego all these carnal pleasures? Take that mother… And a few days later, he dead, not because of HIV-related stuff, but because of a rhino-horn induced boner that refused to go away! A thousand ways to die?

Bulawayo residents held a “peaceful march” yesterday to protest against Zesa for what we already know is lousy service. No police to beat up the marchers apparently. Here is the catch as later reported on national radio: the marchers demanded the resignation of the Parastatals minister and his energy colleague. It ain’t no coincidence that they both belong to the PM’s MDC. Now juxtapose that with previous marches by WOZA protesting about the same bloody shoddy service. One August  headline screamed “28 arrests in Woza demo over Zesa bill.”

And we all know whose resignation WOZA has always demanded!

So, they are at it again, the capitalist n*ggers [apologies to Chika Onyeani, author of the book by the same name], wearing black empowerment caps but having nefarious self-aggrandising hearts. Someone Tweeted the other day about how Robert Mugabe inspired the spirit of hard work in Zimbabwe, but the twit neglected to mention it is economic mismanagement that inspired the so-called hard work that has earned and turned many into veritable entrepreneurs. We all know that there is nothing like “hard work pays” in Zimbabwe, you just have to listen to the stories of the few men and women still in formal employment who have locked up managers, beaten up company executives because of the unpaid hard work they put in but at the end of the month take mouthfuls home empty promises. It is no wonder then that when you talk to anyone, virtually all poor Zimbabweans have dreams about waking up in the morning with stupendous wealth, and this is writ large when you follow the dogfight emerging from the black empowerment band wagon. Argghh, the pomposity with which some of these capitalist n*ggers speaketh.

You just have to recall the visit to the United States a few months ago where the empowerment crusade was taken, and you could see this former journalist dude speaking as if he had all the answers about anything, yet today a firebrand jailbird is giving it to him claiming missing dosh, thanks to these unsanctioned foreign jaunts. It was US acting President Ronald Regean [he was a former actor you see] whose wisecracks have become stuff of legend who quipped, “Hard work never killed anyone, but I figure, why take the chance.” Exactly. No hard work, just claim your economic birth right as a black Zimbabwean and you got it made. It will be recalled the “deposed” AAG president said it loud and proud that Zimbabwean folks gotta strike now for the indigenisation drive will not last forever, “don’t say we will come home to invest when thing are all right, the time is now,” the Muezzin bellowed from the roof tops. Everyone has come to know all claims to black empowerment in the name of spread wealth to the poor is nothing but a smokescreen for government officials and their associates to strip the land of its wealth. You just have to look at the community trusts created in mining areas that have been riddled with controversy as government officials fall over each other depriving toothless grannies of at their right to tea with milk and bread with butter in their twilight years. And what do you know, these are the same people who still insist it is these same grannies who will vote for them in the next election! Upfumi kuvhanu, perhaps the worst misnomer to emerge in Zimbabwe’s post-independence discourse.