I read a report carried in this week’s edition of the Sunday News on “civil societies” being part of the MDC’s 13th anniversary celebrations in Bulawayo.

It was in essence a reporter’s opinion veiled as a news item (but then that’s not new for Zimpaper scribes) and was very disapproving of these “civil societies” being part of the day’s proceedings. It is obvious these reporters don’t bat an eyelid about being Janus faced. We have hoards of fly-by-night jingoist CSOs who have openly come out breathing anti-MDC, anti-America rhetoric claiming Zanu PF allegiance. And indeed these have been reported by the same paper!

You even have a university students representative body that has come out blazing in support of Zanu PF at a time when every other student blames Zanu PF for murdering the UZ!

And this Sunday News story was written by a beneficiary of a US embassy journalism training programme!

Go figure.

Walk through the footpaths of Bulawayo townships where a little shrubbery still survives and you are met by a chorus of flies having what must be an unending Christmas. Crap all over as open latrines flourish, and you see, indeed smell, how the water crisis has turned shitting into a very public affair.

When you see a well-dressed  dandy disappearing into the bush, be warned: he is taking a nature walk of a turd kind!

So, Minister Kasukuwere just woke up and realised that there are 144 colonial-era laws that “stifle the easy empowerment of our people.” Easy empowerment of course being the catch. He says he will be taking up the matter with Cabinet to have these laws amended or repealed. How noble. Of course this is the same chap whose same political party has used the very same colonial-era laws to suppress political activism and dance and stomp on civil liberties. But obviously the irony is lost as these crusaders have made political careers out of brazen double standards. This is yet another reason why sober-minded and progressive Zimbabweans must dispense with the Kasukuweres in the coming polls. Why? Because the same colonial era laws he is choosing not to complain about  are being used to deny you the right to support the political party of your choice. Nothing worse than tolerating a hypocrite doubling as a cretin!

But then, Zanu PF has insulted people’s intelligence for so long the party thinks it can get away with anything.

Simon Khaya is divorcing his wife of 32 years claiming “there is no more love and affection between the parties. There are no conjugal rights enjoyed between the parties. The marriage relationship has failed to live up to a relationship, which is a normal one and is expected in marriage relationships.” Ignatius Chombo’s divorce was recently finalised by the courts. Minister of State in Vice-President Joice Mujuru’s office, Sylvester Nguni had his own messy divorce which made headlines last year. It would be interesting to hear Jonathan Moyo’s opinion seeing he has plenty to say about Morgan Tsvangirai’s alleged indiscretions!

You can bet your butt that these things only happen in Zimbabwe: expecting mothers moaning and groaning as they wait their turn to deliver – doing the writhing not on a bed, but a hospital bench! And this week I met some nurses who recently finished their training and they said they were looking for jobs, wait for this, not as nurses but temporary teachers because government isn’t hiring! I was told some of their “fortunate” colleagues are working as till operators at some supermarkets in Bulawayo! And we vividly recall President Mugabe lambasting Australia and the UK for reaping where they did not sow by luring Zimbabwean nurses! Crap by any other name.

I find it ludicrous that a Church can order anyone to leave the country. In fact, that the Church can deport anyone sounds rather from the Dark Ages. We always thought this was the job of the Immigration Department.

According to more than 260 international and local news reports listed by Google search last night, that’s exactly what the Salvation Army has done to a Canadian physician stationed in Chiweshe’s Howard Mission. And not surprisingly perhaps, at the centre of the brouhaha are allegations raised against the Church leadership of misappropriating donor benevolence, an all-too-familiar story in Zimbabwe. By assuming the role of border control, the Salvation Army could well be cutting its nose to spite the face. So, to hell (literally!) with villagers who desperately want the only doctor they have known for 17 years and want him to stay? And we always thought the men and women of faith knew better.