John 11 verse 35 is the shortest verse in the Christian Bible. And in its conciseness, it describes the pain that Jesus, one of the most prominent figures of history, felt at the death of a much-loved friend, Lazarus.

“Jesus wept,” it reads.

Jesus – a teacher and man of great esteem – was actually humble and unashamed enough to show his emotions.

But today, any man who dares let the floodgates of his innermost emotions fling open is derisively termed a ‘cry baby’ or ‘little girl’.

I got to thinking about this whole topic over the weekend after watching Roger Federer win his first ever French Open tennis title. As the Swiss national anthem played and his nation’s flag was raised, the guy just couldn’t hold back his elation and shed a few tears of release.

But while I enjoyed his show of honest emotion, many others thought he was just being a big baby. “He won so why is he crying?!” asked a perplexed friend. “Besides, it’s really embarrassing for a guy of his age to cry like that!”

I blame such attitudes on gendered socialisation whereby as children, little boys are often told not to cry because, as the saying goes, “Boys don’t cry.”

I remember meeting one little boy walking along the street with his father, bawling as though his life were at an end. “If you keep crying like that, I will buy you a dress and turn you into a girl,” scolded his father. “Would you like that?” The little boy, who couldn’t have been more that five years old, vigorously shook his head and almost instantly stopped crying. The thought of losing his male identity was far too much for him to bear.

See how from an early age, our gender identities are already fixed for us by our elders, leaving little room for adjustment?  And also note how crying is associated with femininity, and therefore weakness? Patriarchy is already at play.

So for a grown man to show open emotion is considered a watering down (excuse the unintended pun!) of his masculinity, and all the connotations of strength and braveness that this entails.

The very few times that I have witnessed men cry is upon the death of someone. And correct me if I am wrong, but more than often, men will only cry at the death of a male someone – that is, a father, brother or male friend.

I have seen men stand strong and firm at the loss of a wife or mother, but lose all composure at the loss of a father or close friend. And perhaps even more bizarrely, break down when their football team loses a cup final, or is relegated to a lower divison!

Once again, I think that our socialisation tells us that it is okay to cry for dad, but to cry for mum – the epitome of feminine gentleness and protection – implies that you are just a big baby. And it’s somehow also okay to cry if Manchester United loses the UEFA Champions’ League final because it’s a clique of guys involved in very masculine activity.

Let’s stop justifying when it’s okay for a man to cry and when it is not. People react differently to situations and it’s really not for anyone to gauge whether or not it’s right to cry at a certain event or time.

But the name-calling has to stop. And men ought to be free to express their emotions in whatever way they please.

This entry was posted on June 11th, 2009 at 10:55 am by Fungai Machirori and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.